Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
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A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.