Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
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Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
You saw nothing. I am ham.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.