I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
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Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
broke down and did it
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before