If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
You Might Also Like
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.