Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
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Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101