I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples