Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
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I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
the rocks need my help
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour