MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
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What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
pizza
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.