The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
You Might Also Like
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
❤️🦆
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.