Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
You Might Also Like
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Smooooooth
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.