Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
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Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Oh hi lol
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed