when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
You Might Also Like
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?