[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
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I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.