Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
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Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!