I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
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A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
become ungovernable
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.