When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
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Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse