Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
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It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica