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Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
No selfies while hijacking a train.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.