Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
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If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.