Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
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Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Donkey Kong sommelier
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]