Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
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Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
He-man has a Masters degree
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.