If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
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You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”