Damn what did I do next
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why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
They’re really bad with fonts.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written