If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
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I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up