My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
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Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Do not levitate over flowers
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
love it when they get my name right
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.