When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
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My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
A ghost story
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?