Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
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Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.