Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
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Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
What a year we’ve had this week.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along