*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
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*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.