me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
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The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.