#winning
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I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
me
The pen is writier than the sword.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently