Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
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[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
🤣🤣🤣
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying