Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
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WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.