The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
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Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP