EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
You Might Also Like
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
My life in a nutshell
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
wut hotdog?
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”