I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
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(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien