Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
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“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.