ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
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[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.