I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
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I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car