I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
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[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
“i am a sweet baby”
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no