I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
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We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.