It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
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From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.