She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
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Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…