Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
You Might Also Like
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth