my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
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So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I used to be married, but I’m better now
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy