[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
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“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE