*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
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Happy thanksgiving
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out