This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
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Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Don’t forget to tip your server
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”