Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
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I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward