WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
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McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Oh thanks BBC.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
mood
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…